Love
Sometimes I think people that build amps are a bit aloof and intraverted (me included!) but reading this post gives me a little more faith in my fellows. I think that all the advice offered was spot on - apart from the home made speakers - that probably wont work.
I am 50 years old , and I have spent at least 40 of those as a single man.
I guess I just like to 'do my own thing' BUT I still get lonely at times and yearn for a companion and someone to love. But I have the same problem, Where do you go?
When I was younger, I used to go to the pub to meet women, but unlike many blokes, I was not confident nor did I believe in my heart that any-one could love me & the truth is; that my Mum was the only woman that did love me.
A few years back I went on a trip to do some volunteer work in a school over in Kiribati (pronounced kirri-bus). I was staying at one of the many churches that were located on the island of Tarawa which is situated on the equator half way between Hawaii and Japan.
Whilst I was there I met a lot of the locals and one young priest told me that some people just have to live their lives as single men - obviously he was one of them - being a Catholic priest. I thought I was doomed but nothing could be further from the truth.
Since then I have met a handfull of really good women who were quite serious about me as a partner, none of these relationships worked out for one reason or another, but I wont give up.
Reading this post has re-enthused me, so I will buy some new clothes and start going to church again - as I firmly believe that this is one place where you will find a good woman. Modern churches are very sociable places unlike the old Catholic church that I attended as a child. There are lots of activities music and social interaction including dining out with other people who have a common interest.
Another way to meet women is to join an interest group or club, just pick something you like and go for it. I think this is a great way to introduce yourself to anyone because they see you at your best - whilst you are enjoying yourself. Also you will have a common interest with these people that will keep the relationship exciting and fun.
Don't ever be afraid to ask a lady out for a cup of coffee or a good feed - even more so if you cook it yourself. I dont reckon you will have to ask more than a couple before you get a yes.
I know for a fact that women are scary and although I have wrestled with drunken men, been shot at whilst fishing and flogged half way to death as a kid; the 'woman' is the one thing that scares the crap out of me. We will just have to be courageous and take one day at a time.
This is the best advice a single man can give! Good luck
Sometimes I think people that build amps are a bit aloof and intraverted (me included!) but reading this post gives me a little more faith in my fellows. I think that all the advice offered was spot on - apart from the home made speakers - that probably wont work.
I am 50 years old , and I have spent at least 40 of those as a single man.
I guess I just like to 'do my own thing' BUT I still get lonely at times and yearn for a companion and someone to love. But I have the same problem, Where do you go?
When I was younger, I used to go to the pub to meet women, but unlike many blokes, I was not confident nor did I believe in my heart that any-one could love me & the truth is; that my Mum was the only woman that did love me.
A few years back I went on a trip to do some volunteer work in a school over in Kiribati (pronounced kirri-bus). I was staying at one of the many churches that were located on the island of Tarawa which is situated on the equator half way between Hawaii and Japan.
Whilst I was there I met a lot of the locals and one young priest told me that some people just have to live their lives as single men - obviously he was one of them - being a Catholic priest. I thought I was doomed but nothing could be further from the truth.
Since then I have met a handfull of really good women who were quite serious about me as a partner, none of these relationships worked out for one reason or another, but I wont give up.
Reading this post has re-enthused me, so I will buy some new clothes and start going to church again - as I firmly believe that this is one place where you will find a good woman. Modern churches are very sociable places unlike the old Catholic church that I attended as a child. There are lots of activities music and social interaction including dining out with other people who have a common interest.
Another way to meet women is to join an interest group or club, just pick something you like and go for it. I think this is a great way to introduce yourself to anyone because they see you at your best - whilst you are enjoying yourself. Also you will have a common interest with these people that will keep the relationship exciting and fun.
Don't ever be afraid to ask a lady out for a cup of coffee or a good feed - even more so if you cook it yourself. I dont reckon you will have to ask more than a couple before you get a yes.
I know for a fact that women are scary and although I have wrestled with drunken men, been shot at whilst fishing and flogged half way to death as a kid; the 'woman' is the one thing that scares the crap out of me. We will just have to be courageous and take one day at a time.
This is the best advice a single man can give! Good luck
"the problem may be with YOU"
You are a fool if you didn't think I knew that.
I do not think that I can apply any advice in this thread :/ I am sure that if I had a friend as competent as you all seem to be, and that friend was willing to go out with me and observe me, that that would help a great deal.
But you all have learned how to be the right kind of person before you realized you were learning. And you don't know what it's like to not know, so you don't understand my questions. That sucks, but it may be the truth.
As a man it's up to me to control the shape of a relationship, and doing so is very subtle. I can't provide a comfortable atmosphere for a woman because she will be expecting me to guide and shape things. When I fail to do this she will loose all interest in me for any reason.
The result is that I have learned nothing but the taste of rejection, and she doesn't care enough about me to openly reject me, or help me in any way. She goes her way and I get one step closer to giving up.
You are a fool if you didn't think I knew that.
I do not think that I can apply any advice in this thread :/ I am sure that if I had a friend as competent as you all seem to be, and that friend was willing to go out with me and observe me, that that would help a great deal.
But you all have learned how to be the right kind of person before you realized you were learning. And you don't know what it's like to not know, so you don't understand my questions. That sucks, but it may be the truth.
As a man it's up to me to control the shape of a relationship, and doing so is very subtle. I can't provide a comfortable atmosphere for a woman because she will be expecting me to guide and shape things. When I fail to do this she will loose all interest in me for any reason.
The result is that I have learned nothing but the taste of rejection, and she doesn't care enough about me to openly reject me, or help me in any way. She goes her way and I get one step closer to giving up.
I'm a bit confused here as I experienced more or less all of the same problems you did in meeting women. The difference perhaps was I was fairly good at making casual friends of either gender, but it took me a long time to parlay this into a successful encounter with a female. I wasn't kidding when I stated in an earlier post that I was 27 before I figured it out sufficiently to embark on a relationship.. And looking back on my 20s from a long perspective I realize I had many friends, some close, and in general had a pretty good time..
There has been a lot of advice here about you molding and shaping the direction of the relationship. IMHO I have never considered nor been able to do that on my own.. There should be two voices here, and decisions will be mutual and discussed when you meet the right one. It is supposed to be a partnership after all..
Your comment about going to a bar, playing darts, and not talking to anyone does say something about how introverted you are. You really are at the bar to meet people, not play darts - if playing solo you can do that at home. Invite others to play darts, smile a lot and sit at the bar. Strangely enough even saying something like "Hi" is going to help. You should expect to fail a lot, and eventually you will likely succeed..
Have you considered the possibility that you might need to learn to make some friends who other than being human might not have a lot of experience or interests in common. You clearly have difficulty making close friends and may need to address that issue before you understand how to make the emotional connections you need for an enduring relationship.. Also loose the idea that everything in a relationship is up to you - it's not, but after the opening moves the girl you are interested will probably be quite willing to pitch in, and you might find someone with whom you can partner in life, and in the end that is a large part of what it is all about.
To say none of us have been down similar roads is naive, and to a certain extent those of us who are not naturals at picking up girls feel at odds with those who seem to do it at will. Confidence or appearance of confidence plays a large role here. Long ago I had a friend who seemed to be spectacularly good at picking up girls and I asked him his secret - and there really wasn't one. His advice was ask a lot, and be prepared to be shot down 95% of the time.. (And I watched and learned and realized he was right.)
Best advice is to go find some real friends, and stop worrying quite so much.. And look for the things from which memories are made..
Never give up !!!
I´m very blessed with a marvelous woman.
I just spent 4 hours cutting and welding in the rain togheter with my neighbour(it´s midnight now).
We had a few drinks or just about the hole bottle.
She came down with a rainjacket and told me it´s time to quit, no complaining.
I´ve been this way my hole life, when i work it´s 120% and nothing keeps me from getting things done.
BUT when it´s her time, i pay 110% attention to her and what she needs.
Start with your self and realise that you have to play the cards you´ve been given.
What´s your strong sides? Use them !!
Socialise with your friends adding to your social skills.
Take part in some activity you enjoy and meet new people at the same time.
Think YOU CAN AND WILL.
good luck
I´m very blessed with a marvelous woman.
I just spent 4 hours cutting and welding in the rain togheter with my neighbour(it´s midnight now).
We had a few drinks or just about the hole bottle.
She came down with a rainjacket and told me it´s time to quit, no complaining.
I´ve been this way my hole life, when i work it´s 120% and nothing keeps me from getting things done.
BUT when it´s her time, i pay 110% attention to her and what she needs.
Start with your self and realise that you have to play the cards you´ve been given.
What´s your strong sides? Use them !!
Socialise with your friends adding to your social skills.
Take part in some activity you enjoy and meet new people at the same time.
Think YOU CAN AND WILL.
good luck
Obviously, you are very concerned about this issue. Asking advice on a message board about HiFi is the wrong place to look. There are other message boards directed at your concerns, like this one:
Conscious Loving -- Dedicated to Relationship Success
Go there and ask your questions. Otherwise, seek professional help. I attended several intensive workshops centered around relationships when I was in my 20's. I needed a lot of help. There are many very good books on the subject as well, such as this one:
Amazon.com: Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (9780553354119): Gay Hendricks, Kathlyn Hendricks: Books
The first step to finding help is to ask the right person.
hahahaha very funny. controlling a relationship is like herding cats, can't be done.
it's simple: boy asks question "how was your day, did you get a hair cut, new shoes?", girls talk "bla bla bla feelings bla bla", boys listen "Huh, interesting", ask if you can help "anything i can do?", she answers "no, thanks for listening" then go fishing. 😀 that's it
If you don't match her "should's" i.e. you should do this, you should be like my ex. you should dress better. WALK AWAY.
I think for the most part your previous post hit the nail squarely on the head so I'm going to contradict you.. 😀
laughing my *** off!
Takes balls to ask that sort of question here. Come to think of it it takes the same kind of balls to go up to a strange woman you see some place and engage her in conversation.
I met my first GF at work, some common interest etc... Ultimately she was not in love and fired me. The second one I met playing a FPS on line. She was in the same gaming clan and we talked all the time. Got to know her over a year before we met in person.
The above illustrates that you just never know were you are going to meet the next one. College is a fantastic place. If you are sharp in class you can tutor or partner with a girl you like. She gets to work with you and you get to show her what you are like. Lunch or dinner can be yours for the asking.
Crash and burn? It's a learning process. It can even be funny, I have a few of them I look back on and laugh about. Doubt she does but who cares, we all move on and learn. Be your self and keep the mundane day to day drudgery of your life out of it. They are dealing with it too.
Book stores are good. Coffee shops as well. Local restaurants on a nice weekend morning are also prime. Believe it or not the local HD or Lowes are places that I get hit on from time to time. Woman love a handy man, not a joke. I have even dove into the ring of woman out on the town and talked with the one that tickled my fancy right in front of her friends. I was/am really shy but forced my self to do this. You would be surprised at the reaction you get.
Just about anyplace you see a woman or three is a good place. Always be honest though, with your self and her.
Takes balls to ask that sort of question here. Come to think of it it takes the same kind of balls to go up to a strange woman you see some place and engage her in conversation.
I met my first GF at work, some common interest etc... Ultimately she was not in love and fired me. The second one I met playing a FPS on line. She was in the same gaming clan and we talked all the time. Got to know her over a year before we met in person.
The above illustrates that you just never know were you are going to meet the next one. College is a fantastic place. If you are sharp in class you can tutor or partner with a girl you like. She gets to work with you and you get to show her what you are like. Lunch or dinner can be yours for the asking.
Crash and burn? It's a learning process. It can even be funny, I have a few of them I look back on and laugh about. Doubt she does but who cares, we all move on and learn. Be your self and keep the mundane day to day drudgery of your life out of it. They are dealing with it too.
Book stores are good. Coffee shops as well. Local restaurants on a nice weekend morning are also prime. Believe it or not the local HD or Lowes are places that I get hit on from time to time. Woman love a handy man, not a joke. I have even dove into the ring of woman out on the town and talked with the one that tickled my fancy right in front of her friends. I was/am really shy but forced my self to do this. You would be surprised at the reaction you get.
Just about anyplace you see a woman or three is a good place. Always be honest though, with your self and her.
I like George Carlin's take on relationships:
"Relationships are run by the most insane person in the relationship."
But +2 on revboden's advice - people become caricatures of themselves in a relationship. If the person was "a bit lazy", they become catatonic. If they were "a little bossy", they will become your slavedriver. To see what you are walking into, just magnify it. BTW, I have been married (to the same girl!) for 37 years.
"Relationships are run by the most insane person in the relationship."
But +2 on revboden's advice - people become caricatures of themselves in a relationship. If the person was "a bit lazy", they become catatonic. If they were "a little bossy", they will become your slavedriver. To see what you are walking into, just magnify it. BTW, I have been married (to the same girl!) for 37 years.
"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't...either way you're probably right."
Henry Ford
Henry Ford
Looking back on my younger years the best thing I could have done would have been to learn to dance.
Many nights I have been watching a girl only to see some other bloke ask her to dance while I was too hung up and self conscious to do so. More often than not they left together and I drank more beer. You don't need to be world class, just enough to have fun and the first step is made.
On the other hand, I bet there are many who quietly envy your freedom from domestication and would trade their situation to be able to play darts and drink beer once in a while.
John
Many nights I have been watching a girl only to see some other bloke ask her to dance while I was too hung up and self conscious to do so. More often than not they left together and I drank more beer. You don't need to be world class, just enough to have fun and the first step is made.
On the other hand, I bet there are many who quietly envy your freedom from domestication and would trade their situation to be able to play darts and drink beer once in a while.
John
Living with someone can reduce your freedom greatly.
Women can be very demanding of your time.
I took up hobbies of website design, motorbiking and refurbishing classic cars. My wife took exception to all this and I got the evil eye when ever doing these hobbies.
It was around this time we grew apart.
I guess I had just got bored with her and wanted other distractions.
She then strayed and that put an end to the marriage completely.
I now live alone and have had some fantastic experiences doing hobbies or things I always wanted to but couldnt with a wife.
I am going to go out on a limb here.
The quote above is an excellent one so I will repeat it;
"Always be honest though, with yourself and her".
If you feel that you are contaminated in some way, i.e. flawed or un-loveable, then your perception of yourself may be distorted. I think it might help to talk to a professional about your self esteem. By professional I mean a Psychologist. Don't be afraid to do this - I know four psychologists and one of them is my sister. I always have a good time and let off a bit of steam when I go to visit them.
Look at it this way, Eight or ten busy men have taken time out of their day, because they can relate to the problems (significant) that you have.
I have been following this post because I too feel lonely at times.
If you continue to blame others for your situation; for example "My Parents" or "Us Fools here at DIY" then you are just avoiding the opportunity to change your life.
I am not trying to be mean here, but I believe the truth is the answer you are seeking.
If I were a woman I would give you a wide birth also because that chip on your shoulder is clearly visible.
Harden up soldier.
![GIL].jpg](/community/data/attachments/229/229241-7f6139d3e44a675c98b312415eee6c9a.jpg?hash=f2E50-RKZ1)
Here is the definitive post on this subject:
Meeting women is ridiculously easy but meeting a life partner is incredibly difficult. Women live among us and chances for interacting with them are plentiful. Your expectation is the driving issue here. If all you want is a place to dump your semen, I wouldn't even get a girlfriend, I'd create a budget for a quality pro. You would be surprised on how fulfilling some of these relationships are. With practice, you might actually get good enough to have her become fond of you and you can always replace her or upgrade at any time for any reason whatsoever. Next level up is companionship (AKA "F-Buddies"), you won't need much money here but now you are in a competitive pool so you have to mind your comportment, sexual proficiency, fitness and appearance. You'll also need to develop detachment skills and false pretenses that are palatable to females looking for this type of relationship. Next up is an entry level relationship. You should expect to sacrifice some of your time here and be mindful of elevations in intimacy that weren't your idea. The comments on magnification of qualities are insightful and spot on. All relationships have inherent risk but the more a person is in your life, the greater the risk becomes. This is not a laughable risk, you can lose everything you have worked for your entire life, no bull. The percentage of truly successful relationships is under 1%, approximately half are dissolved and of the remainder, 85% resign themselves to their unhappiness and of those, 70% remain in the relationship for fear of the alternative and 15% work out boundaries that make the relationship tolerable but create artificial obstacles to the intimacy they sought in the first place. Only 14% of couples that survive say that their chosen partners were a good choice when all is taken into account. Of the "happy" 1%, 90% said they had to overcome "serious issues" before getting to this point and only 10% of those said they never doubted they were with the right person from the start. That's a one in a thousand chance for the happily married couple cliche that wouldn't change a thing about their partner. This would imply having at least a thousand intimate interactions for having a shot at catching the one and who really has time for that? This also means you can throw out any archaic notions about fidelity and virginity as a realistic approach to success.
Meeting women is ridiculously easy but meeting a life partner is incredibly difficult. Women live among us and chances for interacting with them are plentiful. Your expectation is the driving issue here. If all you want is a place to dump your semen, I wouldn't even get a girlfriend, I'd create a budget for a quality pro. You would be surprised on how fulfilling some of these relationships are. With practice, you might actually get good enough to have her become fond of you and you can always replace her or upgrade at any time for any reason whatsoever. Next level up is companionship (AKA "F-Buddies"), you won't need much money here but now you are in a competitive pool so you have to mind your comportment, sexual proficiency, fitness and appearance. You'll also need to develop detachment skills and false pretenses that are palatable to females looking for this type of relationship. Next up is an entry level relationship. You should expect to sacrifice some of your time here and be mindful of elevations in intimacy that weren't your idea. The comments on magnification of qualities are insightful and spot on. All relationships have inherent risk but the more a person is in your life, the greater the risk becomes. This is not a laughable risk, you can lose everything you have worked for your entire life, no bull. The percentage of truly successful relationships is under 1%, approximately half are dissolved and of the remainder, 85% resign themselves to their unhappiness and of those, 70% remain in the relationship for fear of the alternative and 15% work out boundaries that make the relationship tolerable but create artificial obstacles to the intimacy they sought in the first place. Only 14% of couples that survive say that their chosen partners were a good choice when all is taken into account. Of the "happy" 1%, 90% said they had to overcome "serious issues" before getting to this point and only 10% of those said they never doubted they were with the right person from the start. That's a one in a thousand chance for the happily married couple cliche that wouldn't change a thing about their partner. This would imply having at least a thousand intimate interactions for having a shot at catching the one and who really has time for that? This also means you can throw out any archaic notions about fidelity and virginity as a realistic approach to success.
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Well , what about an add (craigslist, or internet) with something like that '" A boring , depressed sob, with poor social skills and rather common apperance will gladly meet smart , funny , attractive girl to ride a bike with and brighten his days ?;0)
You never know how many charitable characters is out there. I also agree that if you're unhappy with yourself now , you'd be jumping the wall in relationship.
You never know how many charitable characters is out there. I also agree that if you're unhappy with yourself now , you'd be jumping the wall in relationship.
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