long one...
I have one
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Indian usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
Guess what...
I have one
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Indian usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
Guess what...
Aircraft Maintenance Humor
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Rated PG Aviation Quotes
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.Crickmore -test pilot)
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism; there are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
and therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your problem to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II - When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, "Endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible".
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the ******* down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement.The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time (Author unknown,but someone who's been there)
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air.Do not go near the edges of it.The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.Crickmore -test pilot)
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism; there are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
and therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your problem to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II - When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, "Endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible".
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the ******* down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement.The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time (Author unknown,but someone who's been there)
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air.Do not go near the edges of it.The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
One night when his charge was pretty high, Microfarad decided he would try to pick up a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They crossed the Wheatstone bridge, around by the sinewave, and stopped on a magnetic field by a flowing current.
Fully attracted by Milli's characteristic-curve, he soon had his resistance at a minimum, and his magnetic field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered his capacitance, then pulled out his high voltage probe and hit resonance. He inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel, then began to short circuit her shunt. Finally, Milliamp cried MHO MHO MHO !
With his plate tube generator at maximum plate dissipation, and her coils vibrating from the excessive current flow, Microfarad soon reached his peak also. They fluxed all night, trying various circuits and combinations, until his bar magnet lost all of its strength. Milliamp tried self induction and self excitation, but it damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, they were unable to excite their generators any further, so they reversed polarity, blew each others fuses, and went Ohm.
Fully attracted by Milli's characteristic-curve, he soon had his resistance at a minimum, and his magnetic field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered his capacitance, then pulled out his high voltage probe and hit resonance. He inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel, then began to short circuit her shunt. Finally, Milliamp cried MHO MHO MHO !
With his plate tube generator at maximum plate dissipation, and her coils vibrating from the excessive current flow, Microfarad soon reached his peak also. They fluxed all night, trying various circuits and combinations, until his bar magnet lost all of its strength. Milliamp tried self induction and self excitation, but it damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, they were unable to excite their generators any further, so they reversed polarity, blew each others fuses, and went Ohm.
More IT support humor
I had a friend who worked at a ISP support line and he told me this story from the time when the internet was new.
He got a call from a customer claiming the installation disk was empty. Fine he thought and sent him another one.
Two days later the same guy calls and says this disk was also empty.
My friend asked can you list the contents of the disc. Yes it was readable but totally empty 1.44MB available. Strange my friend thought one disc here and there could go wrong but then it is not usually possible to read them at all.
Anyway he sent another one and made sure that the disc was ok before he sent it and even posted it himself.
Imagine his suprise when the customer called, very upset, two days later, it is still not working.
Unfortunately the customer lived in another town and they had no representation there to help him so he sent another one saying to the customer to call him before he did anything with the disc and he would walk him through the installation process.
The customer called when he had received the disc.
Now tell me exactly what you do every step, my friend said.
Ok i put the disc in the drive.
I format it because as i read in the manual you need to format all discs before use....
I had a friend who worked at a ISP support line and he told me this story from the time when the internet was new.
He got a call from a customer claiming the installation disk was empty. Fine he thought and sent him another one.
Two days later the same guy calls and says this disk was also empty.
My friend asked can you list the contents of the disc. Yes it was readable but totally empty 1.44MB available. Strange my friend thought one disc here and there could go wrong but then it is not usually possible to read them at all.
Anyway he sent another one and made sure that the disc was ok before he sent it and even posted it himself.
Imagine his suprise when the customer called, very upset, two days later, it is still not working.
Unfortunately the customer lived in another town and they had no representation there to help him so he sent another one saying to the customer to call him before he did anything with the disc and he would walk him through the installation process.
The customer called when he had received the disc.
Now tell me exactly what you do every step, my friend said.
Ok i put the disc in the drive.
I format it because as i read in the manual you need to format all discs before use....
West Virginia Humor
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive taxis. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive taxis. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"
About two years ago while stuck in traffic on my way home from work I was listening to NPR. On this evening they matter of factly reported that W-VA had legalized the collection and human consumption of animals found dead on the state highways.
As it turns out, this was a rather pragmatic means of saving the expense of dispatch, collection and disposal of this highway harvest.
Of course Carl Hiaasen has a rather colorful character (Skink, former a Governor) that roams through many of his novels that finds most of his food this way in the everglades of Florida.
But I still have to wonder, having first heard this story, how many other people’s first reaction was, "Jeesh and they wonder why people make fun of the state..."
As it turns out, this was a rather pragmatic means of saving the expense of dispatch, collection and disposal of this highway harvest.
Of course Carl Hiaasen has a rather colorful character (Skink, former a Governor) that roams through many of his novels that finds most of his food this way in the everglades of Florida.
But I still have to wonder, having first heard this story, how many other people’s first reaction was, "Jeesh and they wonder why people make fun of the state..."
boholm said:
Maybe they're not joking? I saw an add here in Sweden where
a guy sold a DVD with the best of internet. Furthermore, it was
a DVD-RW so you could add and replace things on it.
Reagarding earlier posts, I also almost laughed my guts out
over that Quantas list. That reminds me of a funny episode
when flying over mid Australia with Quantas once. We had
quite a strong wind helping us and the fancy screen showing
altitude, speed etc. indicated we were travelling at 1174 km/h.
One of my collegues explained that in aviation you measure
the speed relative to ground, so it would mean the wind speed
was about 300km/h in the same direction we were flying.
However, another of my collegues still wasn't quite convinced,
so he stopped an air hostess and asked, "excuse me miss,
but how fast can these planes fly?" She said "the max speed
is around 875 km/h". "But" my collegue said "the screen says
we are flying at 1174 km/h right now". The hostess first looked
surprised, then looked at the screen, turned back to my
collegue and answered sourly "so, why did you ask then?"
and rapidly went away.
Real Engineers...
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for “efficiency”, not because they’re lazy.
Real Engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a “biting wit” is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics, but not their own shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own watches, cameras, televisions, telephones, computers and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say “the ambient temperature is 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius or 298 degrees Kelvin while everyone else says “Isn’t it a nice day”.
Real Engineers give you the feeling that you are having a conversation with a dial tone or a busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so they don’t forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying “Don’t offer me a ride today, I drove my own car”.
Real Engineers’ politics concerns are acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the “ABC’s of Infrared” from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tyres for laughs.
Real Engineers’ briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of “Quantum Physics” and a half eaten peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers know that Halloween is really the same as Christmas,
because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
Real Engineers don’t find any of these at all funny.
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for “efficiency”, not because they’re lazy.
Real Engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a “biting wit” is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics, but not their own shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own watches, cameras, televisions, telephones, computers and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say “the ambient temperature is 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius or 298 degrees Kelvin while everyone else says “Isn’t it a nice day”.
Real Engineers give you the feeling that you are having a conversation with a dial tone or a busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so they don’t forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying “Don’t offer me a ride today, I drove my own car”.
Real Engineers’ politics concerns are acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the “ABC’s of Infrared” from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tyres for laughs.
Real Engineers’ briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of “Quantum Physics” and a half eaten peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers know that Halloween is really the same as Christmas,
because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
Real Engineers don’t find any of these at all funny.
doctor and a mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Benz,
when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart
surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his
bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doctor, can I ask you a
question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doctor, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix them, put in new parts and when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the
really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...
" Try doing it while it's running! "
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Benz,
when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart
surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his
bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doctor, can I ask you a
question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doctor, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix them, put in new parts and when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the
really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...
" Try doing it while it's running! "
A world famous plastic surgeon overhears the conversation, who specializes in 'no scar' breast augmentation. The Heart surgeon complains that the plastic surgeon gets even more money than he does, for something that can't be more difficult than open heart surgery.
The plastic surgeon says "Yes, well try doing that valve job on your running engine by taking all of the parts and tools through the tailpipe!"
The plastic surgeon says "Yes, well try doing that valve job on your running engine by taking all of the parts and tools through the tailpipe!"
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