Lunch at Hewlett Packard -- when it was an instrumentation company:
<i><b>Lunch, the HP Way</b>
This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming
disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man
for life.
I had a 9:00 meeting with my Sales Rep. I needed to buy an entire new
Series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours
later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he
invited me downstairs to lunch.
This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu which began...
MMU's (Main Meal Units)
00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately.
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double Cheesburger, Preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun
and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheesburger.
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"
"No sir. All our service here is menu driven. Now what would you like?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it?"
"I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The Double Burger Upgrade would give
you two burgers.
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple
in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me
down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking
to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.
"What if... we marketed the bacon cheesebuger with the vegetable option
and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechase over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the
Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles
with a option to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My Sales Rep
butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."
"What now?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look, forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's
not supported either. The bun can take it, but the burger won't fit
in the box. "Ah, but it will." The Sales Rep defended himself. "Just
not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 00210A, option 110,
French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English
Fries?" I turned to the Sales Rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a
lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK, just give me a plain, vanilla Burger Bundle."
This confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is
configured only for Series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckled.
"No, ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered
how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your meal
is now on order. Now, how would you like it supported?" "Support?"
She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu,
and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis?"
"You tell him how hungry you are, and he tells you what to eat."
"Response Center Support?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials?"
"You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it
on the way to my table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table
waiter slouching in the corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me
and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the
window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two cups of chili
and sauerkraut for the hot dog someone else had ordered. The room
began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...
I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five
AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did
what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
<i><b>Lunch, the HP Way</b>
This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming
disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man
for life.
I had a 9:00 meeting with my Sales Rep. I needed to buy an entire new
Series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours
later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he
invited me downstairs to lunch.
This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu which began...
MMU's (Main Meal Units)
00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately.
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double Cheesburger, Preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun
and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheesburger.
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"
"No sir. All our service here is menu driven. Now what would you like?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it?"
"I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The Double Burger Upgrade would give
you two burgers.
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple
in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me
down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking
to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.
"What if... we marketed the bacon cheesebuger with the vegetable option
and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechase over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the
Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles
with a option to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My Sales Rep
butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."
"What now?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look, forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's
not supported either. The bun can take it, but the burger won't fit
in the box. "Ah, but it will." The Sales Rep defended himself. "Just
not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 00210A, option 110,
French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English
Fries?" I turned to the Sales Rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a
lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK, just give me a plain, vanilla Burger Bundle."
This confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is
configured only for Series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckled.
"No, ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered
how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your meal
is now on order. Now, how would you like it supported?" "Support?"
She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu,
and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis?"
"You tell him how hungry you are, and he tells you what to eat."
"Response Center Support?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials?"
"You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it
on the way to my table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table
waiter slouching in the corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me
and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the
window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two cups of chili
and sauerkraut for the hot dog someone else had ordered. The room
began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...
I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five
AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did
what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
I have the impression that the tech support is a computer that looks up for some words and give you a preset answer. Yesterday I had chat sessions with these things.
They all told the same thing:
It starts like this:
"Hello, I'm ???"
"How can I assist you today."
When I told something, each times I received a
"Thanks for the information."
If they told "Please wait", and I typed "OK", they were always telling "Thank you."
Each times I typed in questions, I received an answer telling me to try something related to some words in the question. The only thing is that I wrote that I already tried these steps before they asked me to do so.
Example, :
The tech guy tells
"-Hello, I'm Ray
How can I assist you today.
-There are some blue lines I can physically see under the window that appear while scanning and copying.
-Print a test page and tell me if there are some blue lines
-Well... there are no blue lines.
-Thanks for the information.
Try copying the same page and tell me if there are some.
-There are some blue lines.
-Thanks for the information.
Please wait.
-OK
-Thank you."
And it continues like this. I mean, they really look like computers.
I'll try the HP IT forum. There seem to be "true" answers from both HP guys and other members.
Off topic: BTW, jackinnj. I see your www link is tech-diy.com. How many Huigang relays do you have left?
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