Unrelated, but I cant stop laughing about it:
One day a frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this." and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
One day a frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this." and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
They aint engineering jokes but they're GOOD
THE OSTRICH STORY
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and
asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke."
And the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two
enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and
says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that
if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my
pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the
ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
Be careful what you wish for..........
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE OSTRICH STORY
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and
asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke."
And the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two
enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and
says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that
if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my
pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the
ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
Be careful what you wish for..........
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Go to eleven (Moved thread-jacking by the author)
In order to appreciate this please download, unzip and listen to "gotoeleven" first:
http://www.diyaudio.com/forums/showthread.php?postid=281474#post281474
It was one of days I got handed over by my boss JR, (not from TV series Dallas BTW), one of those clients my boss did not want to speak further with, as he expected troubles and annoyances.
Boss: “Please talk to Mr. Kwak, he is our specialist”
So I said “Can I help you?”.
My boss quickly disappeared behind the curtain separating his office from the sales room but I knew he was peeping at us through a hole in the curtain or on the closed circuit television system.
Then the Customer came very close to me, and I felt uncomfortable as I could smell his bad breath and he whispered in my ear:
“I have done an invention”
I: “Yes, so…..?”
C: “I want it to share with you, if you promise me not to tell it to anyone”
I: “OK, I promise”
C: “Are you absolutely sure, you won’t tell it to anybody?”.
I: “OK, OK, I swear.”
C: “In order to share and explain my invention you have to play a piece of music on the stereo for me."
I: “But anyone present in the shop will hear the music!” (That did not appear to be a problem)
I: “OK, any particular piece in mind?” (No problem so far, this was my daytime job)
C: “Any kind of music will do.”
So I played a piece of Osibisa, hoping that kind of beat would awake him enough out of his trip, to buy something or to leave the shop.
C. “Now turn the volume knob way up and listen”
I turned the volume past eleven and listened carefully……
C: “What do you here now?"
I: “I hear it is louder, it’s louder than before”
Apparently I gave the wrong answer and the client asked me to repeat the experiment. He also got slightly irritated, as I did not grasp the idea behind his invention immediately.
I somewhat reluctantly repeated the exercise, now having a guts feeling that I wouldn’t sell anything to this individual and was wasting my time for sure.
C: “Now WHAT do you hear referring to the difference of the volume settings?”
I: “It’s louder, it’s definitely louder now. Before it was less louder”.
C: (now shaking his head in great disbelief and finally giving me the clue): “It’s BETTER now, not louder!”
Well, I knew that a long time already as we in the shop demonstrated always at a rather high level. I told him so and the man left the shop in a hurry, completely disagreeing with me. Never saw him again.
I already saw the curtain waving, and hearing suppressed laughing from behind the curtain.
What a great job!
In order to appreciate this please download, unzip and listen to "gotoeleven" first:
http://www.diyaudio.com/forums/showthread.php?postid=281474#post281474
It was one of days I got handed over by my boss JR, (not from TV series Dallas BTW), one of those clients my boss did not want to speak further with, as he expected troubles and annoyances.
Boss: “Please talk to Mr. Kwak, he is our specialist”
So I said “Can I help you?”.
My boss quickly disappeared behind the curtain separating his office from the sales room but I knew he was peeping at us through a hole in the curtain or on the closed circuit television system.
Then the Customer came very close to me, and I felt uncomfortable as I could smell his bad breath and he whispered in my ear:
“I have done an invention”
I: “Yes, so…..?”
C: “I want it to share with you, if you promise me not to tell it to anyone”
I: “OK, I promise”
C: “Are you absolutely sure, you won’t tell it to anybody?”.
I: “OK, OK, I swear.”
C: “In order to share and explain my invention you have to play a piece of music on the stereo for me."
I: “But anyone present in the shop will hear the music!” (That did not appear to be a problem)
I: “OK, any particular piece in mind?” (No problem so far, this was my daytime job)
C: “Any kind of music will do.”
So I played a piece of Osibisa, hoping that kind of beat would awake him enough out of his trip, to buy something or to leave the shop.
C. “Now turn the volume knob way up and listen”
I turned the volume past eleven and listened carefully……
C: “What do you here now?"
I: “I hear it is louder, it’s louder than before”
Apparently I gave the wrong answer and the client asked me to repeat the experiment. He also got slightly irritated, as I did not grasp the idea behind his invention immediately.
I somewhat reluctantly repeated the exercise, now having a guts feeling that I wouldn’t sell anything to this individual and was wasting my time for sure.
C: “Now WHAT do you hear referring to the difference of the volume settings?”
I: “It’s louder, it’s definitely louder now. Before it was less louder”.
C: (now shaking his head in great disbelief and finally giving me the clue): “It’s BETTER now, not louder!”
Well, I knew that a long time already as we in the shop demonstrated always at a rather high level. I told him so and the man left the shop in a hurry, completely disagreeing with me. Never saw him again.
I already saw the curtain waving, and hearing suppressed laughing from behind the curtain.
What a great job!
ALGEBRA, a real danger!
With apologies...
At New York Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a calculator.
Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like, "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
A member of the Presidential group, who spoke without attribution said, "I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line."
President Bush said, "these weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of - though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks."
With apologies...
At New York Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a calculator.
Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like, "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
A member of the Presidential group, who spoke without attribution said, "I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line."
President Bush said, "these weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of - though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks."
Hi,
Lucky you...in general these lunies have a tendency to show up the next day.
Of course they don't remember a thing of what they put you through the former day...
So, how do you brush off lunies like this without offending them?
Why are 50%+ of all audiophiles I know of mental cases anyway?
Want to find out? Run a high-end shop for a year or so and we'll talk again.
No kidding,
P.S. Nice joke J.C.
Lucky you...in general these lunies have a tendency to show up the next day.
Of course they don't remember a thing of what they put you through the former day...
So, how do you brush off lunies like this without offending them?
Why are 50%+ of all audiophiles I know of mental cases anyway?
Want to find out? Run a high-end shop for a year or so and we'll talk again.
No kidding,
P.S. Nice joke J.C.
Lunies
Hello Frank,
Frankly [joke] the shops personnel was a bunch of loonies too.
After six o'clock P.M we had free beer and we discussed incidents like the above with great enthusiasm.
fdegrove said:Hi,
Lucky you...in general these lunies have a tendency to show up the next day.
Of course they don't remember a thing of what they put you through the former day...
So, how do you brush off lunies like this without offending them?
Why are 50%+ of all audiophiles I know of mental cases anyway?
Want to find out? Run a high-end shop for a year or so and we'll talk again.
No kidding,
P.S. Nice joke J.C.
Hello Frank,
Frankly [joke] the shops personnel was a bunch of loonies too.
After six o'clock P.M we had free beer and we discussed incidents like the above with great enthusiasm.
Re: Humor from Jim Williams at Linear Tech
Translation:
Current Source>> Hello, Mr. Andre Ampere. I'm your descendent and my responsibility is to furnish current to a laser. My function must be precise, reliable and it must protect the laser. I hope that you are proud of me.
Mr. Ampere>> My Lord! I never would have imagined that my discovery would provide current to a laser.
Eric
jackinnj said:
Translation:
Current Source>> Hello, Mr. Andre Ampere. I'm your descendent and my responsibility is to furnish current to a laser. My function must be precise, reliable and it must protect the laser. I hope that you are proud of me.
Mr. Ampere>> My Lord! I never would have imagined that my discovery would provide current to a laser.
Eric
GirlFriend 1.0 -> Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta Release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
- A "don't remind me again" button,
- A minimize button,
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources,
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems:
- Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0.
- You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.
- Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port (you'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now).
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that is very irritating: all versions of GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. You can in no way cancel these messages, you have to accept them.
Last Bug Report
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented feature (=bug): if you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable financial files, before uninstalling itself.
Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Be aware that, if you try running Mistress 1.1 (or any similar shareware application for that matter) on someone else's system, Wife 1.0 on your system may still show the behaviour described above, due to viruses you may transport from one system to the other.
---
And for those it guys who have never heard of Bastard Operator from Hell (bofh
), a link to Simon's pages . Check the first stories, they're funny (iff you're in IT. if you're not, this could possibly explain a lot of past headaches...)
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta Release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
- A "don't remind me again" button,
- A minimize button,
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources,
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems:
- Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0.
- You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.
- Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port (you'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now).
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that is very irritating: all versions of GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. You can in no way cancel these messages, you have to accept them.
Last Bug Report
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented feature (=bug): if you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable financial files, before uninstalling itself.
Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Be aware that, if you try running Mistress 1.1 (or any similar shareware application for that matter) on someone else's system, Wife 1.0 on your system may still show the behaviour described above, due to viruses you may transport from one system to the other.
---
And for those it guys who have never heard of Bastard Operator from Hell (bofh
), a link to Simon's pages . Check the first stories, they're funny (iff you're in IT. if you're not, this could possibly explain a lot of past headaches...)
Good old dabs
A clear film wrapped package poped through the letter box this morning.
I eagerly ripped off the wrapping to see what wares were on offer from this computer parts supplier.
Ah, perhaps a nice CD-RW drive with many features? This one includes:
*USB2
*Installs in seconds
*Buffer under run......
Fantastic! I must have one. There's always a shortage of coasters over xmas.
A clear film wrapped package poped through the letter box this morning.
I eagerly ripped off the wrapping to see what wares were on offer from this computer parts supplier.
Ah, perhaps a nice CD-RW drive with many features? This one includes:
*USB2
*Installs in seconds
*Buffer under run......
Fantastic! I must have one. There's always a shortage of coasters over xmas.
Eric: How long did you expect the picture to remain up?
- Status
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