heh, on measurements, you can measue gas milage in "rods to the hogshead". a rods is something like 6 yards (?) and a hogshead is about 64 gallons. in any case you end up with a few hundred thousand rods to the hogshead, and animal rights activist begin to complain...
some other funnies:
"Internet Opens Up Whole New World Of Illness For Local Hypochondriac"
http://www.theonion.com/onion3616/internet_illness.html
"Rules Grammar Change: English Traditional Replaced To Be New Syntax With"
http://www.theonion.com/onion3109/newgammar.html
Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation
http://www.theonion.com/onion3709/starbucks_phase_two.html
eh, they've got a lot of good articles and headlines at theonion. the internet, people talking nonesense, and coffee seem to be things all engineers deal with...
some other funnies:
"Internet Opens Up Whole New World Of Illness For Local Hypochondriac"
http://www.theonion.com/onion3616/internet_illness.html
"Rules Grammar Change: English Traditional Replaced To Be New Syntax With"
http://www.theonion.com/onion3109/newgammar.html
Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation
http://www.theonion.com/onion3709/starbucks_phase_two.html
eh, they've got a lot of good articles and headlines at theonion. the internet, people talking nonesense, and coffee seem to be things all engineers deal with...
from http://www.danielsen.com/jokes.shtml
"A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of
the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while
they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will
be empty again."
"
be sure to read the car insurance quotes! like my favorites:
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
-did it work?
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
-its all relative...
"A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of
the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while
they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will
be empty again."
"
be sure to read the car insurance quotes! like my favorites:
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
-did it work?
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
-its all relative...
husband humor
THE RULES -- THIS TIME BY MEN!!!!!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
THE RULES -- THIS TIME BY MEN!!!!!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
for german speaking diyers
Als ein Ingenieur eines Tages die Strasse überquerte, wurde er von einem
Frosch angesprochen: "Wenn du mich küsst, werde ich eine wunderschöne
Prinzessin."
Er beugte sich runter, hob den Frosch auf und steckte ihn in die Tasche.
Der Frosch sprach erneut zu ihm: "Wenn du mich küsst und mich zur
Prinzessin machst, bleibe ich eine Woche bei dir."
Der Ingenieur nahm ihn aus der Tasche, lächelte ihn an und steckte ihn
wieder zurück.
Da schrie der Frosch: "Wenn du mich küsst und zur Prinzessin machst,
bleibe ich bei dir und mache was du willst!"
Wieder nahm er den Frosch heraus, lächelte ihn an und steckte ihn wieder
zurück.
Da fragte der Frosch schließlich: "Was ist los? Ich habe dir gesagt, ich
sei eine schöne Prinzessin, ich bleibe für eine Woche bei dir und mache
was du willst. Warum küsst du mich nicht?"
Darauf der Ingenieur: "Schau ich bin Ingenieur. Ich habe keine Zeit für
eine Freundin. Aber ein sprechender Frosch .... das ist cool!"
Als ein Ingenieur eines Tages die Strasse überquerte, wurde er von einem
Frosch angesprochen: "Wenn du mich küsst, werde ich eine wunderschöne
Prinzessin."
Er beugte sich runter, hob den Frosch auf und steckte ihn in die Tasche.
Der Frosch sprach erneut zu ihm: "Wenn du mich küsst und mich zur
Prinzessin machst, bleibe ich eine Woche bei dir."
Der Ingenieur nahm ihn aus der Tasche, lächelte ihn an und steckte ihn
wieder zurück.
Da schrie der Frosch: "Wenn du mich küsst und zur Prinzessin machst,
bleibe ich bei dir und mache was du willst!"
Wieder nahm er den Frosch heraus, lächelte ihn an und steckte ihn wieder
zurück.
Da fragte der Frosch schließlich: "Was ist los? Ich habe dir gesagt, ich
sei eine schöne Prinzessin, ich bleibe für eine Woche bei dir und mache
was du willst. Warum küsst du mich nicht?"
Darauf der Ingenieur: "Schau ich bin Ingenieur. Ich habe keine Zeit für
eine Freundin. Aber ein sprechender Frosch .... das ist cool!"
Systran translation
When an engineer of a daily crossed the road, he was addressed by a
frog: "if you me kisses, becomes I a beautiful princess."
It bent itself down, main header the frog up and put it into the bag.
The frog spoke again to it: "if you me kisses and me to the princess
makes, remains I one week with you." Engineer took it from the bag,
smiled at him and put him again back.
There the frog cried: "if you me kisses and to the princess makes,
remains I with you and makes which you want!" Again it took the frog
out, smiled at it and put it again back.
There the frog finally asked: "what is the matter? I said to you, I am
a beautiful princess, I remain for one week with you and make which
you want. Why kiss doesn't you me?" Whereupon engineer: "schau I is an
engineer. I do not have time for a friend. But a speaking frog....
that is cool!"
When an engineer of a daily crossed the road, he was addressed by a
frog: "if you me kisses, becomes I a beautiful princess."
It bent itself down, main header the frog up and put it into the bag.
The frog spoke again to it: "if you me kisses and me to the princess
makes, remains I one week with you." Engineer took it from the bag,
smiled at him and put him again back.
There the frog cried: "if you me kisses and to the princess makes,
remains I with you and makes which you want!" Again it took the frog
out, smiled at it and put it again back.
There the frog finally asked: "what is the matter? I said to you, I am
a beautiful princess, I remain for one week with you and make which
you want. Why kiss doesn't you me?" Whereupon engineer: "schau I is an
engineer. I do not have time for a friend. But a speaking frog....
that is cool!"
Systran sux.
Hi,
One day while crossing a street an engineer got spoken to by a frog: "When you give me a kiss, I'll turn into a wonderful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put him in his pocket.
Again, the frog spoke to him saying:"When you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week.
The engineer took him out of his pocket, smiled at him and put him back into his pocket.
Than the frog shouted:"When you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"
Again, he took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at him, than put him back into his pocket.
At long last the frog asked him:"What's going on? I told you I'll be a wonderful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and I'll do anything you like...Why don't you kiss me?"
Upon which the engineer replies:"Look, I'm an engineer.I don't have time for a girlfriend.But a speaking frog...that's cool.
Ciao,
Hi,
One day while crossing a street an engineer got spoken to by a frog: "When you give me a kiss, I'll turn into a wonderful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put him in his pocket.
Again, the frog spoke to him saying:"When you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week.
The engineer took him out of his pocket, smiled at him and put him back into his pocket.
Than the frog shouted:"When you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"
Again, he took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at him, than put him back into his pocket.
At long last the frog asked him:"What's going on? I told you I'll be a wonderful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and I'll do anything you like...Why don't you kiss me?"
Upon which the engineer replies:"Look, I'm an engineer.I don't have time for a girlfriend.But a speaking frog...that's cool.
Ciao,
To give this thread some new life...
Not exactly E-humour, but...per request.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago,but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and
41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so
far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where
you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."
/Hugo
Not exactly E-humour, but...per request.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago,but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and
41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so
far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where
you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."
/Hugo
Genetic engineering humor:
this morning's reading at church included the passage from Genesis describing the creation of "woman" -- not finding any suitable pal for "homo sapiens" (I guess the "dog" had not yet been invented by the almighty), a rib was borrowed from the unsuspecting, drugged (probably infront of TV with beer in right fist) -- the following explains what happened after the rib was comandeered:
this morning's reading at church included the passage from Genesis describing the creation of "woman" -- not finding any suitable pal for "homo sapiens" (I guess the "dog" had not yet been invented by the almighty), a rib was borrowed from the unsuspecting, drugged (probably infront of TV with beer in right fist) -- the following explains what happened after the rib was comandeered:
Attachments
science question humor
The School of Science you Won't Believe. These are actual answers to quizzes and tests given in the U.S. and Europe. You will all appreciate #11.
1) "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
2) "H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water"
3) "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
4) "When you smell an oderless gass, it is probably carbon monoxide."
5) "Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."
6) "Thre kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
7) "The body consists of three parts -- the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the hear and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which ther are five - a,e,i,o, and u."
8) "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
9) "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration and then
expectoration."
10) "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
11) "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
12) "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.)
13) "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
14) "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
15) "The pistol of a flower is its only protection agenst insects."
16) "The skeleton is what is left after the indsides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
The School of Science you Won't Believe. These are actual answers to quizzes and tests given in the U.S. and Europe. You will all appreciate #11.
1) "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
2) "H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water"
3) "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
4) "When you smell an oderless gass, it is probably carbon monoxide."
5) "Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."
6) "Thre kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
7) "The body consists of three parts -- the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the hear and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which ther are five - a,e,i,o, and u."
8) "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
9) "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration and then
expectoration."
10) "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
11) "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
12) "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.)
13) "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
14) "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
15) "The pistol of a flower is its only protection agenst insects."
16) "The skeleton is what is left after the indsides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
Yeah, #11 is good. You know, in Holland everybody used to travel on bikes in the old days, including the cow doctor. Artificial insemination was called "the bull on the bike".
Now that we are on to bikes: do you know that last year in Holland there were 2.6 million bikes, while 3.8 million bikes were stolen in that year? Yes, of course that is possibnle. Just make sure some bikes are stolen more than once in one year. Actually, it isn't stealing. It's "proletarian lending". Hah.
Jan Didden
Now that we are on to bikes: do you know that last year in Holland there were 2.6 million bikes, while 3.8 million bikes were stolen in that year? Yes, of course that is possibnle. Just make sure some bikes are stolen more than once in one year. Actually, it isn't stealing. It's "proletarian lending". Hah.
Jan Didden
(for Jan, since he's got an .lu address)
Nine out of ten Dutch girls are beautiful. The tenth gets sent to Luxembourg.
I credit those Dutch bomber bikes for the former. Keeps the lower body in good shape. The tourist thing might be explainable. My first time to Amsterdam, people told me that the bikes were actually municipal- you need one, you take it. And when you get where you need to go, leave the bike for the next person to take. Apparently, this is a standard fool-the-dumb-American joke that people there like to play. I actually believed it until a good friend filled me in.
Nine out of ten Dutch girls are beautiful. The tenth gets sent to Luxembourg.
I credit those Dutch bomber bikes for the former. Keeps the lower body in good shape. The tourist thing might be explainable. My first time to Amsterdam, people told me that the bikes were actually municipal- you need one, you take it. And when you get where you need to go, leave the bike for the next person to take. Apparently, this is a standard fool-the-dumb-American joke that people there like to play. I actually believed it until a good friend filled me in.
SY said:
I KNEW something was missing here! Never realised it, thanks SY!
Jan Didden
PS The bike-borrow-plan was once official, called the "white bike plan". (Yes, the bikes were white). It folded mainly because people didn't leave them in the dedicated places for others to pick them up, but just dropped them were they were. But I am pretty sure that in practise it still is going on: just grab a bike, leave it when you arrive, don't expect it to still be there after half an hour or so. Great country, The Netherlands.
- Status
- This old topic is closed. If you want to reopen this topic, contact a moderator using the "Report Post" button.