Did you hear about the mathematician who had a problem with constipation ?
He worked it out with a pencil on paper.
The old mathematician from South Africa ?
"Now we de-fferentiate, de black by de white."
Or Confucius,
"Young mathematics student who goes to bed with problem on mind, he wake up with solution in hand"
He worked it out with a pencil on paper.
The old mathematician from South Africa ?
"Now we de-fferentiate, de black by de white."
Or Confucius,
"Young mathematics student who goes to bed with problem on mind, he wake up with solution in hand"
REDNECK SYMPATHY
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower -
Steve, Bruce and Jed.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the
ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone
should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says "Where did you get that, Jed?" Steve's wife gave it
to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower -
Steve, Bruce and Jed.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the
ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone
should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says "Where did you get that, Jed?" Steve's wife gave it
to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".
poobah said:
Don't laugh, I actually got something like this as a test answer from one of my students. The question was, "Find the area under the curve." The student vary carefully drew cartesian coordinates, plotted the curve, shaded in the area between the curve and x-axis, and wrote, "Here it is."
Last week someone from the navy academy used risk analysis to estimate the financial gain of the nato nsc code for safety onboard naval vessels that is being developed at the moment.
The financial cost of loosing one navy sailor was taken as the cost for the funeral including $50 of flowers and the contribution of the navy for only 1 year of the average navy widow pension.
The chance of occurance was taken from INDIVIDUAL ANNUAL FN merchant marine fatality curves.
The person in question failed to realise that the safety code may be good for the next 100 years and does not apply to just 1 single person.
The total savings for the entire naval fleet was calculated at $207,-and wholeheartedly defended.
The financial cost of loosing one navy sailor was taken as the cost for the funeral including $50 of flowers and the contribution of the navy for only 1 year of the average navy widow pension.
The chance of occurance was taken from INDIVIDUAL ANNUAL FN merchant marine fatality curves.
The person in question failed to realise that the safety code may be good for the next 100 years and does not apply to just 1 single person.
The total savings for the entire naval fleet was calculated at $207,-and wholeheartedly defended.
Re: Re: Cannot be!
Hahahaha, LOL, it's Phoebe Cates, an American actress.
http://www.wizardfkap.com/phoebe/
(I now begin to understand why that girl used that picture in her profile, though it was not really her)
Workhorse said:Hi Elso Kwak,
Who's that Girl in your avataar, Tell me.....
K a n w a r
Hahahaha, LOL, it's Phoebe Cates, an American actress.
http://www.wizardfkap.com/phoebe/
(I now begin to understand why that girl used that picture in her profile, though it was not really her)
I see you guys are working on tech humor.
Very often true stories are the most funny.
For many years I worked for a place called Hazeltine. They made mostly IFF and ASW gear.
The management seemed to all come from the same school. All they knew was ‘business’ and not a thing in the tech area. That didn’t stop them from making expensive tech blunders based on stupid business school ideas of technology.
While this was going on, in the US a fad of ethnic jokes was reaching its peak. Jokes like how many Italians to do this, how many Mexicans to are required to do that. Nobody was immune.
I took those formats and turned them into “Management Jokes”. To this day, they are still valid. Look at the Dilbert Cartoon. Bashing management is still a contact sport.
Hazeltine was not unique with its management stuck in the wrong mode of thinking. It just was awful being part of a number of layoffs that took a 3500 person company down to less than 1000. On the day I got laid off, I made some overtime, but that’s another story.
Since these were released on the world, they have become Grumman, AIL, Sperry, Lockheed, and other ‘company jokes’. Every so often I hear one of my old jokes make it back home to me.
Ready?
Q
How many Hazeltine executives dose it take to change a light bulb.
A
They don’t know, they are going to “do a meeting”, then hire a consultant, and not take his advice.
Q
Name one thing that cemeteries and land fills won’t touch.
A
Used executives.
Q
How can you tell when the marketing department is lying?
A
Their lips move.
Q
What do you call a hundred Hazeltine executives drowning in the Atlantic?
A
A good start.
Q
How can you tell when the company president has having sex?
A
He turns the light on in the closet to make sure he’s alone.
Some of my former bosses were fairly good, and some would fail at organ donation.
There was one guy they kept around for all the high level layoffs. His name was Dick Awhile. On the org chart he was some kind of VP of engineering but mostly he was the hatchet man.
My building went from hundreds of people down to six. Same with the parking lot out front. There was a time when a sea of cars kept you from looking across the lot.
People would stop in our building and look out the windows, see who the wind blew old news papers into the fence. I would slide up to my victim and ask.
“Seen Mr. Awhile today?”
They say, “Thank goodness no”.
He had that ‘can’t take too much sunlight look to him.
I would respond, “He’s out in the parking lot.” At which point my subject would start looking for him.
Then they would ask “Out in the parking lot, what for?”
“He’s laying off seagulls to stay in practice.” As in ‘take your nest and beat it, your out of here’.
Most people thought that was not funny. In companies during layoffs, sometimes the only humor you get is gallows humor.
I left one parting message on the circuit breaker panel. “Will the last one out of Hazeltine please flip off the lights”. Remember this is New York, and it was not a nice coment.
One last bit.
Layoffs are not easy for anybody. There is a classic story of what happens when it’s done of the wrong day.
We had a direct deposit system for our pay checks. So if someone saw that their severance package was deposited on a Thursday night that indicated Friday morning they were getting the axe.
One sharp software writer had that happen to him. So while his bosses are giving him the news, he is hard at work on the keyboard eliminating the last six months worth of effort. Six weeks later when it was needed, not a trace of it could be found.
That event caused a change in company policy.
At that time on TV there was an advertisement for Prince Spaghetti. The tag line was “Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day”.
So it seems that Wednesday was bag day (lay off day) at Hazeltine.
Going to work on Wednesdays was always dreaded.
Fast forward many years.
People tend to equate lay offs with death.
One of my friends had to ‘book’ people for five minute meetings at AOL in Virginia. Some days all 9 meeting rooms were booked solid for the entire day.
I asked him if he could change the names of the meeting rooms, but they were fixed, yet he could add a new meeting room to the list. I suggested the AOL Funeral Chapel. Where employees who die on the job get taken. That caused more than a few giggles.
Enough of this.
Anybody got anything funny from industry?
Later guys
Jack Crow
TDY Camp Arifjan, Kuwait
Normally Northern Virginia USA
Very often true stories are the most funny.
For many years I worked for a place called Hazeltine. They made mostly IFF and ASW gear.
The management seemed to all come from the same school. All they knew was ‘business’ and not a thing in the tech area. That didn’t stop them from making expensive tech blunders based on stupid business school ideas of technology.
While this was going on, in the US a fad of ethnic jokes was reaching its peak. Jokes like how many Italians to do this, how many Mexicans to are required to do that. Nobody was immune.
I took those formats and turned them into “Management Jokes”. To this day, they are still valid. Look at the Dilbert Cartoon. Bashing management is still a contact sport.
Hazeltine was not unique with its management stuck in the wrong mode of thinking. It just was awful being part of a number of layoffs that took a 3500 person company down to less than 1000. On the day I got laid off, I made some overtime, but that’s another story.
Since these were released on the world, they have become Grumman, AIL, Sperry, Lockheed, and other ‘company jokes’. Every so often I hear one of my old jokes make it back home to me.
Ready?
Q
How many Hazeltine executives dose it take to change a light bulb.
A
They don’t know, they are going to “do a meeting”, then hire a consultant, and not take his advice.
Q
Name one thing that cemeteries and land fills won’t touch.
A
Used executives.
Q
How can you tell when the marketing department is lying?
A
Their lips move.
Q
What do you call a hundred Hazeltine executives drowning in the Atlantic?
A
A good start.
Q
How can you tell when the company president has having sex?
A
He turns the light on in the closet to make sure he’s alone.
Some of my former bosses were fairly good, and some would fail at organ donation.
There was one guy they kept around for all the high level layoffs. His name was Dick Awhile. On the org chart he was some kind of VP of engineering but mostly he was the hatchet man.
My building went from hundreds of people down to six. Same with the parking lot out front. There was a time when a sea of cars kept you from looking across the lot.
People would stop in our building and look out the windows, see who the wind blew old news papers into the fence. I would slide up to my victim and ask.
“Seen Mr. Awhile today?”
They say, “Thank goodness no”.
He had that ‘can’t take too much sunlight look to him.
I would respond, “He’s out in the parking lot.” At which point my subject would start looking for him.
Then they would ask “Out in the parking lot, what for?”
“He’s laying off seagulls to stay in practice.” As in ‘take your nest and beat it, your out of here’.
Most people thought that was not funny. In companies during layoffs, sometimes the only humor you get is gallows humor.
I left one parting message on the circuit breaker panel. “Will the last one out of Hazeltine please flip off the lights”. Remember this is New York, and it was not a nice coment.
One last bit.
Layoffs are not easy for anybody. There is a classic story of what happens when it’s done of the wrong day.
We had a direct deposit system for our pay checks. So if someone saw that their severance package was deposited on a Thursday night that indicated Friday morning they were getting the axe.
One sharp software writer had that happen to him. So while his bosses are giving him the news, he is hard at work on the keyboard eliminating the last six months worth of effort. Six weeks later when it was needed, not a trace of it could be found.
That event caused a change in company policy.
At that time on TV there was an advertisement for Prince Spaghetti. The tag line was “Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day”.
So it seems that Wednesday was bag day (lay off day) at Hazeltine.
Going to work on Wednesdays was always dreaded.
Fast forward many years.
People tend to equate lay offs with death.
One of my friends had to ‘book’ people for five minute meetings at AOL in Virginia. Some days all 9 meeting rooms were booked solid for the entire day.
I asked him if he could change the names of the meeting rooms, but they were fixed, yet he could add a new meeting room to the list. I suggested the AOL Funeral Chapel. Where employees who die on the job get taken. That caused more than a few giggles.
Enough of this.
Anybody got anything funny from industry?
Later guys
Jack Crow
TDY Camp Arifjan, Kuwait
Normally Northern Virginia USA
we had the same guy at a firm I worked at on Wall Street -- the hatchet guy -- he came in and laid off 20% of my IT staff without asking -- then I had to hire them back as consultants (with a huge increase in their hourly rate) -- as we couldn't get the database stuff to work righ without them. Some aspects of Wall Street, or corporations everywhere are just like the Monty Python camp for idiots. The kid wins the sperm lottery, winds up your boss, and you have to contend with it.
Then, when I helped start up an IT company I figured out how to get slow-paying or non-paying clients back into the good receivables part of the ledger. It is like that one string in the sweater which, when pulled, unravels the entire garment! Dilbert's revenge.
Then, when I helped start up an IT company I figured out how to get slow-paying or non-paying clients back into the good receivables part of the ledger. It is like that one string in the sweater which, when pulled, unravels the entire garment! Dilbert's revenge.
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