Lunch at HP (now Agilent)
emailed to me by a 29 year veteran of Agilent:
------ Original HP Lunch ------
Lunch, the HP Way
by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee
This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming
disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man
for life.
I had a 9:00 meeting with my Sales Rep. I needed to buy an entire new
Series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours
later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he
invited me downstairs to lunch.
This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu which began...
MMU's (Main Meal Units)
00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately.
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double Cheesburger, Preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun
and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheesburger.
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"
"No sir. All our service here is menu driven. Now what would you like?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it?"
"I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The Double Burger Upgrade would give
you two burgers.
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple
in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me
down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking
to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.
"What if... we marketed the bacon cheesebuger with the vegetable option
and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechase over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the
Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles
with a option to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My Sales Rep
butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."
"What now?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look, forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's
not supported either. The bun can take it, but the burger won't fit
in the box. "Ah, but it will." The Sales Rep defended himself. "Just
not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 00210A, option 110,
French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English
Fries?" I turned to the Sales Rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a
lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK, just give me a plain, vanilla Burger Bundle."
This confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is
configured only for Series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckled.
"No, ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered
how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your meal
is now on order. Now, how would you like it supported?" "Support?"
She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu,
and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis?"
"You tell him how hungry you are, and he tells you what to eat."
"Response Center Support?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials?"
"You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it
on the way to my table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table
waiter slouching in the corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me
and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the
window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two cups of chili
and sauerkraut for the hot dog someone else had ordered. The room
began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...
I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five
AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did
what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
-----------------------
emailed to me by a 29 year veteran of Agilent:
------ Original HP Lunch ------
Lunch, the HP Way
by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee
This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming
disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man
for life.
I had a 9:00 meeting with my Sales Rep. I needed to buy an entire new
Series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours
later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he
invited me downstairs to lunch.
This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu which began...
MMU's (Main Meal Units)
00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately.
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double Cheesburger, Preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun
and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheesburger.
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"
"No sir. All our service here is menu driven. Now what would you like?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it?"
"I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The Double Burger Upgrade would give
you two burgers.
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple
in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me
down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking
to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.
"What if... we marketed the bacon cheesebuger with the vegetable option
and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechase over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the
Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles
with a option to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My Sales Rep
butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."
"What now?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look, forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's
not supported either. The bun can take it, but the burger won't fit
in the box. "Ah, but it will." The Sales Rep defended himself. "Just
not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 00210A, option 110,
French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English
Fries?" I turned to the Sales Rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a
lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK, just give me a plain, vanilla Burger Bundle."
This confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is
configured only for Series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckled.
"No, ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered
how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your meal
is now on order. Now, how would you like it supported?" "Support?"
She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu,
and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis?"
"You tell him how hungry you are, and he tells you what to eat."
"Response Center Support?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials?"
"You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it
on the way to my table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table
waiter slouching in the corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me
and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the
window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two cups of chili
and sauerkraut for the hot dog someone else had ordered. The room
began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...
I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five
AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did
what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
-----------------------
OK, here's two sort-of engineering Romanian jokes...
There's this contest, who makes the most remarkable thing out of two iron balls. An American, a Japanese and a Romanian participate. They're locked up in totally sealed rooms for the duration of the contest. At the end, they open up the doors to see what the guys came up with. The Japanese guy made this super-precision clock. The American made a mini rocket than could travel to Moon and back. They open up the Romanian's room, and found him laying down, looking at the ceiling. "OK, show us what you did with the balls" "Well, you see, I lost one of them and the other one is broke"
Maybe it's better told in Romanian
Another (bad?) one:
Three guys, an American, a Russian and a Romanian, bragging about how top-secret their jobs are. The American: "My job is so super-top-secret that even my best friends don't know what I do". The Russian: "My job is so ultra-secret that even my wife doesn't know what it is". The Romanian: "Well, my job is so super-ultra-****ing-top-secret that I don't even know what it is"
Pretty predictable, but hey...
There's this contest, who makes the most remarkable thing out of two iron balls. An American, a Japanese and a Romanian participate. They're locked up in totally sealed rooms for the duration of the contest. At the end, they open up the doors to see what the guys came up with. The Japanese guy made this super-precision clock. The American made a mini rocket than could travel to Moon and back. They open up the Romanian's room, and found him laying down, looking at the ceiling. "OK, show us what you did with the balls" "Well, you see, I lost one of them and the other one is broke"
Maybe it's better told in Romanian
Another (bad?) one:
Three guys, an American, a Russian and a Romanian, bragging about how top-secret their jobs are. The American: "My job is so super-top-secret that even my best friends don't know what I do". The Russian: "My job is so ultra-secret that even my wife doesn't know what it is". The Romanian: "Well, my job is so super-ultra-****ing-top-secret that I don't even know what it is"
Pretty predictable, but hey...
Re: Power supply
Why is that funny?
Near as I can tell, that looks to be a writeup for a detector solenoid, or maybe an MRI..although, I confess, I don't know the ramp rate for charging MRI's. But, 5KA is typical for 20 to 30 strand rutherford super, and 15 volts is a usual supply voltage for those beasts.
(you should see the specs on the RHIC ring supply...7KA, 400V..) it's about the size of a 3 car garage...
John
Ummm, Elso??Elso Kwak said:
Why is that funny?
Near as I can tell, that looks to be a writeup for a detector solenoid, or maybe an MRI..although, I confess, I don't know the ramp rate for charging MRI's. But, 5KA is typical for 20 to 30 strand rutherford super, and 15 volts is a usual supply voltage for those beasts.
(you should see the specs on the RHIC ring supply...7KA, 400V..) it's about the size of a 3 car garage...
John
Joke Of The Day
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
I don't say..
Ten Things You'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
Enjoy
Ten Things You'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
Enjoy
you have to be over 40, a movie buff, a subscriber to The New Yorker, or a fan of Charles Addams to understand this pun on one of the great engineering feats of 19th C Central Europe:
An externally hosted image should be here but it was not working when we last tested it.
I think that portrait was painted after they got home from the Halloween party at the Sasquatch cave warming.
And this was what he and his wife talked about before he fell asleep:
"Would you believe I had to admit to Van Helsing that it's impossible to get enough soul in the MP3s unless I upgraded to USB 2.0? Why couldn't it be someone who won't hold it against me at work, like Legolas!"
"That's nice. Now be a dear and roll over so I can access your Fire Wire."
ensen.
And this was what he and his wife talked about before he fell asleep:
"Would you believe I had to admit to Van Helsing that it's impossible to get enough soul in the MP3s unless I upgraded to USB 2.0? Why couldn't it be someone who won't hold it against me at work, like Legolas!"
"That's nice. Now be a dear and roll over so I can access your Fire Wire."
ensen.
mr_push_pull said:
Me for one I'm neither but you can bet I'm curious
The woman is "Bride of Frankenstein" -- famous movie from the early 1930's (I think Frankenstein was filmed in 1932.) Charles Addams was a cartoonist for the New Yorker whose subjects were the macabre Addams Family (which itself became a TV hit in the U.S. in the 1960's.)
Incidentally, the scientific instruments used in "Young Frankenstein" -- were borrowed from the original set materials of "Bride of Frankenstein" -- Young Frankenstein is one of the funniest comedies produced in the 1980's "What Knockers!"
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