Music Jokes

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You're too old to play gigs when.....

1. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.

2. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.

3. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.

4. You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.

5. The waitress is your granddaughter.

6. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.

7. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.

8. You can remember eleven different club names for the same location.

9. When you get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex co.

10. You play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday..

11. When the only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.

12. You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.

13. Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to "turn himself up.

14. You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.

15. Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
 
There’s a drummer, who was always embarrassed by the perception that all drummers were dumb. He decided to become a guitarist – but he wanted to do to do it right and not look stupid.
He spent hours upon hours reading reviews, guitar magazines and studying you tube reviews, before he decided exactly what to buy.
Finally, the day came to make the purchase.
He entered the building and went straight to the counter:

“I’d like to purchase a Fender Stratocaster, 67 Reissue, HSS pickups, maple fretboard, daphne blue”.
He drew a breath, then...
“I’d also like a Marshall 1987X plexi reissue amplifier, 1960BX Quadbox, Korg Polyphonic Tuner and a box of D’addario 10-46 strings”

He stood back and smiled knowing his delivery had been flawless.
“You must be a drummer then?” said the guy behind the counter.
The drummer was staggered, “How can you tell?”
“Caus’ this is a fish and Chip shop”
 
Two cowboys were being chased by a tribe of Native Americans (PC). The two men were driven up a narrow gully with no way of escape and so they hid behind a large rock awaiting their fate. As the tribe approached there was an ominous sound. One cowboy said to the other: "Chuck, I don't like the sound of those drums!"
There was a pause and then the Chief called back to them very slowly; "We...apologize....but...our regular....drummer..is sick!"
 
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Re: post #2.
I had a similar experience. I had built a pair of speakers for a friend who was a very capable musician with a classical background. I played a piece I liked from a CD by the "Modern Jazz Quartet" (Collaborations). It was Bach's Fugue in A Minor. At the end of that he laughed and I asked why. And he said that they had played a musical joke.....

I have never laughed at a piece of music but I do find myself smiling at some Barbra Streisand songs and I always smile when Dire Straights get through the long introduction to "Going Home" (theme from 'Local Hero') and the main theme comes in full blast, guitar, sax etc.....hoping to have it at my funeral right at the end.
 
Many years ago I was listening to a BBC panel program called "My Music". Denis Norden and Frank Muir were regulars. One told a story that was no doubt apocryphal.
Apparently the conductor, Sir Thomas Beecham was notoriously absent minded and while shopping one day at a very upmarket store in London found himself standing next a dignified middle aged woman who he was sure he knew but he couldn't remember her name. He was floundering around and to try ease things along asked: "And how is your husband?" To which the woman replied; "He's still King Sir Thomas, still King."

On another version edition of the same show there was a nice observation about the Welsh and their love of singing. It went like this:

"It is the dream of every Welsh tenor, that when he gets to heaven, he is invited to sing solo in the celestial choir in front of a thousand English bass baritones and for the Almighty to lean down and say; "Jones, a little less volume please."
 
I have perfect pitch. I managed to throw a ukelele down a well without hitting any banjos.

Speaking of banjos, a musician friend recently panicked at the shopping centre when he realized he'd left the car unlocked with his prized instrument in the back. When he got to the car there were two banjos in the back.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

And this one's for Jonathan Bright:

Two adventurers in deepest Africa were being chased by a tribe of natives. They were driven up a narrow gully with no way of escape and so they hid behind a large rock awaiting their fate. As the tribe approached there was an ominous sound. One man held his hands to his ears and yelled, "Oh, my head! If only those jungle drums would stop!" There was a pause and then the Chief called back to them very slowly, "You don't want drums to stop. When drums stop, then comes bass solo."
 
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and four to complain because it's an electric bulb.

How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was.

How many country musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about it and two to fight over it in the parking lot.

How many lead vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one - to hold the bulb while the world revolves around him/her.
 
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