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Old 27th January 2018, 01:11 AM   #21
globalplayer is offline globalplayer  Germany
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LOL! Not bad.
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Old 27th January 2018, 01:41 AM   #22
cbdb is offline cbdb  Canada
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Did you hear about the band that locked there keys in the van? It took them 20 minutes to get the drummer out.
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Old 27th January 2018, 03:49 AM   #23
djoffe is offline djoffe  United States
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Default Lenny Writes a new piece...

So Lenny wrote a new orchestral piece, and it had some improvised parts. He kept debating with himself, "hire a jazzer, or write something out in the jazz style for one of the classical guys to play"...After much trepidation, he hires a jazz trumpet player to improvise the parts.

First rehearsal comes, and right on time, the jazz trumpet player, looking scruffy, with a beat-up horn in an old shopping bag enters. He does a nice job.

Second rehearsal comes, same guy, still just as scruffy, shows up on time. He plays beautifully.

Third rehearsal, the scruffy trumpet player comes in again, on time, and plays so beautifully that he moves everyone to tears. Lenny feels compelled to make a speech. "You know, I was quite fearful about hiring a jazzer to do this as you guys have a reputation for being a bit flighty, unprepared, and not on time...but, I must admit that I was wrong...you showed up on time always, were well prepared, and played the music beautifully!"

The jazz trumpeter responds, "yeah...it's the least I could do considering I'm gonna send a sub to play the gig..."
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Old 27th January 2018, 05:30 AM   #24
Jim the Oldbie is offline Jim the Oldbie  United States
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Music Jokes
Q: How do you get a drummer off your porch?

A: Pay for the pizza.
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Old 27th January 2018, 05:31 AM   #25
Jim the Oldbie is offline Jim the Oldbie  United States
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Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:24 AM   #26
Doghouse Riley is offline Doghouse Riley  United Kingdom
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An unemployed LA jazz saxophonist get a job in a London theatre orchestra. It's a long running show and he joins in November. The job's fine but he lives in a small third floor room in an hotel on a busy street.

Every day it rains, week after week and he becomes thoroughly depressed. Then early in March, he wakes one morning to find the sun shining and the birds singing, he throws open his window as it's quite warm.

Feeling full of the joys of Spring, he picks up his saxophone and starts playing "Over the Rainbow." This attracts some passers by and they stand under the window listening to him play, by the time he reaches the second verse, more people have joined and there's now a large crowd gathering.
However, at the end of the second verse, the "middle eight" has completely deserted him, so he starts on a third verse.

Someone in the crowd below shouts up "Play the middle bit!" But he just can't remember it, so launches into a fourth verse.
By now the crowd are getting quite angry, chanting "play the middle bit!" up at the window, but still he can't remember.
By now his depression has returned to the extent he can't stand it any more and he throws himself out of the window.

The crowd is hushed as he lays there bleeding, someone calls an ambulance, whilst someone else tries to render some first aid.
In the distance he hears the sound of the ambulance approaching.

"Dee dah, dee dah, dee dah, dee dah!
Dee dah, dee dah, dee dah, dee dah!"

"Bugger! That's it!" He says.
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Old 27th January 2018, 12:43 PM   #27
kevinahcc20 is offline kevinahcc20  United States
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The audiophile sat down for an evening to listen to his high end system, which he had just spent $100,000 upgrading...after a few hours he yawned, said to himself "Sounds pretty decent." and went to bed.
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Old 27th January 2018, 12:50 PM   #28
scottjoplin is offline scottjoplin  Wales
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Was that the same audiophile that went to the concert and while there said to his wife, "Wow, the sound is great, when I close my eyes I can imagine I'm listening to my Hi-Fi"?
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Old 27th January 2018, 02:48 PM   #29
Jim the Oldbie is offline Jim the Oldbie  United States
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Ha! That one could be a caption for an old Rodriguez cartoon.
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Old 27th January 2018, 02:59 PM   #30
blu_glo is offline blu_glo  England
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A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards. He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Symphony being played backwards. They hurried to call an expert who hurried to them to hear the Fifth Symphony playing backwards. All the more weird was the fact that symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. When the caretaker of the graveyard heard this, the only comment he made was, "What's the wonder! He's just decomposing!"
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