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Old 4th April 2006, 06:31 PM   #21
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Criat,

That was about as funny as a flood in a fizzies factory. I'm positive!

And yes mine was an on-topic drinking joke, but you likely have to be old enough North American to get it.
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Old 4th April 2006, 06:46 PM   #22
poobah is offline poobah  United States
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A horse walks into a bar... the bartender asks, "Hey horse, why the long face?"

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Old 5th April 2006, 05:30 AM   #23
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Not a joke but really serious.

A canadian friend along with his neighbour(my cousin) visited us in India a few years ago. He said that he has noticed pigs tails in the northern hemisphere are corkscrewed in exactly the opposite direction when compared to those in the southern hemisphere. He verified this phenomenon both in Canada & New Zealand.
Needless to say, we had roast pork after drinks that night.
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Old 5th April 2006, 02:03 PM   #24
poobah is offline poobah  United States
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The coreolus eeffect rears it ugly head... oops! TAIL again...

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Old 5th April 2006, 03:37 PM   #25
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Drinking and driving simply do not mix, so do your drinking early and get it out of the way, and then go driving. - George Carlin
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Old 5th April 2006, 03:50 PM   #26
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There is no need to interrupt something as serious as a good time. You can have your alcohol delivered.

Who needs a car?

-Chris
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Old 9th April 2006, 04:54 PM   #27
poobah is offline poobah  United States
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A few guys are sitting at a table in a bar getting pretty drunk and rowdy.

One of them walks up to the bar and offers a bet to the bartender. He bets the bartender $5 that he can lick his eyeball. The bartender takes the bet. The man removes his glass eye and licks it, The bartender pays his wager.

Sometime later, and drunker, the man offers the bartender another bet. He bets the bartender $10 that he can bite his own ear. The bartender accepts the bet. The man removes his false teeth and bites his own ear. The bartender pays his wager... again.

Later still, and very drunk, the man offers the bartender yet another bet. He bets the bartender $100 dollars that he can stand at one end of the bar and fill a shotglass at the other end of the bar with urine and not spill one drop. The bartender, finally seeing an opportunity to relieve this drunk of his money accepts the bet. The man unzips his pants and makes his best effort to fill the shotglass. Sadly, he fails to get even one drop of urine into shotglass and the bar is rather a mess. The man closes his trousers and pays the bartender.

The bartender is quite happy at this point and proceeds to clean up the bar. Oddly the man seems quite happy as well. As he is walking back to his table the bartender asks the man, "Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred dollars?". The man walks back toward the bartender and replies, "You see those guys over there? I just bet those guys $500 that I could urinate all over your bar and that you would clean it up with a smile on your face!"
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Old 10th April 2006, 01:25 AM   #28
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Did all you guys remember to change your clocks?


A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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Old 10th April 2006, 01:31 AM   #29
KBK is offline KBK  Canada
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Quote:
Originally posted by poobah
The coreolus eeffect rears it ugly head... oops! TAIL again...

rotating masses of (electromagnetically sensitive..the important bit) molecular slurry..lenz law adjuncts. Why it shows up in pig tails? Likely the same reason gravity is created by the rotating molecular slurry we call the 'earth's core'. (iron-nickel) Just might take folks bit longer to 'get it'. Problems with their monkey's sensibilites, or some other such weirdness. The truth is in there- deal with it.

Same reason that scientists in India were having fun with rotating torids of liquid mercury. Hit the right combination of frequency and rotational paramaters..and the thing just shoots up into space like a slingshot. Easy as breathing. Too bad certain governments don't want you to play with it. I guess they like to stay in charge of things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One evening, a man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of whiskey. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of whiskey. "Gee, buddy, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

To which the man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One evening, some animals were out partying in a bar. The bartender came over to their table at the end of the night to collect their bar tab.

The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."

The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."

The deer says, "I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon."

The giraffe says, "Well, I guess the high balls are on me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beer Troubleshooting - Part I

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Beer Troubleshooting - Part II

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. The Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there is a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

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Old 10th April 2006, 01:59 AM   #30
KBK is offline KBK  Canada
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A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!" Sure enough. The man looked around and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried. "This alligator is tame. It wouldn't hurt anyone."

However, the bartender is adamant. The man continues, "If I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?" "Well, I guess so," says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone here that your alligator is tame!"

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts. "Sit up." With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist. BANG. BANG. BANG. And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG.

And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but don't bite." BANG. BANG. BANG.

As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guys d**k off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG. The alligator's mouth opens wide again.

"There," says the man to the crowd. "Now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says, "Yeah, I'll try. But only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One evening, there was this guy passing a bar, when he noticed a sign in the window that read: "Free beer for life. Just pass the test."

The guy went into the bar and asked the bartender, "What is the test?"

"All you have to do," said the bartender," is drink a pint of vodka, go into the back yard and extract a tooth from an alligator, and then go upstairs and satisfy a woman who has never been satisfied."

"No problem," said the guy. He immediately drank the vodka, and went into the yard.

Several minutes later, after considerable commotion and noise outside, he reappeared in the bar and said, "Now, where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

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