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Old 11th August 2010, 06:03 AM   #561
CBS240 is offline CBS240  United States
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A few of Life's Laws.......

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal
and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi -
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,
it will.

10. Law of Bio mechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,
always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave
early before the end of the performance or the game is over.
The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have
long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will
ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down
on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,
by the time you get there you'll feel better.
But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
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Old 31st October 2010, 09:51 PM   #562
jlsem is offline jlsem  United States
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Funny Sketch: Brain surgeon. [VIDEO]
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Old 11th January 2011, 07:07 PM   #563
jlsem is offline jlsem  United States
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Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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Old 13th January 2011, 06:03 PM   #564
Gyuri is offline Gyuri  Hungary
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I knew this already. But this is excellent.
All jokes are new jokes for a new-born.

And this, although It's just a cop joke only:

Two police officers going down at the underground station.
When they step on the safety bar, it automatically sounds a tone:
- Please leave free the safety bar!
- But no that direction!!
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Old 13th January 2011, 08:39 PM   #565
jlsem is offline jlsem  United States
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You are one wild and crazy guy.
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Old 14th January 2011, 08:08 AM   #566
Gyuri is offline Gyuri  Hungary
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I'm somewhat crazy for sure.
But I do not think I would have been wild.
Altough I feel it so sometimes though, this saying of Mahatma hits me:

"It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence."

Let us remember him, since the anniversary of his death will be January on 30.
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Old 10th June 2012, 06:33 PM   #567
AndrewT is offline AndrewT  Scotland
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Default not engineering

Quote:
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even home yesterday."

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It
should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

An answer I can understand….. An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said.
'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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Old 10th June 2012, 06:37 PM   #568
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Q: Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?
A: 'Cause if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

One of my faves Andrew, thanks.
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Old 10th June 2012, 07:57 PM   #569
tvrgeek is offline tvrgeek  United States
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#20 Murphy was an optimist.
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Old 25th August 2012, 01:10 PM   #570
ryanj is offline ryanj  Australia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jlsem View Post
HAHA, gold!
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