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Old 11th September 2009, 06:14 PM   #541
wg_ski is offline wg_ski  United States
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That would come under the umbrella of a "suspcious powder", which prosecutors may take quite seriously. I know there are laws against cutting up coins, but if someone at the FBI got that bent out of shape over a penny that would only prove that they're even more of a geek than I am.
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Old 11th September 2009, 07:29 PM   #542
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Send them a penny and ask for change.
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Old 27th November 2009, 04:57 AM   #543
star882 is offline star882  United States
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A friend of mine wrote a story to explain how the Prius works:
Quote:
(Enter Allie, a 1.5L inline 4 cylinder gasoline engine, and Jean Ma, the leadfoot driver)
Allie: Gosh, I'm running really hot over all the work I have to do! And my master is still asking for more! One of these days, I'm going to throw a rod and die a horrible death! Help me!
Jean: Ha ha ha! No break anytime soon. I'm already late to work and I need to go faster up those hills.
Allie: Oh my, I think I'm going to blow up!

(Enter Mike, a Hybrid Synergy Drive transmission)
Mike: No need to panic, Allie. I'm here to help with my pair of electric motors to take up some of the load. I'll help you when the load gets really heavy, reclaim your hard work every time the brakes go on, and sometimes even let you rest while I take up all the load. But I'll need some way to coordinate our efforts.

(With a flash, Andrew, an embedded microcomputer, appears out of nowhere.)
Andrew: Hi! I'm the HV ECU. I shall coordinate all the intimate action that goes on between you two. Mike, increase boost to 80A, and Allie, throttle down to 50%.
Allie: Thanks! Now I can change my valve timing to Atkinson and stay a lot cooler.

(The heavy acceleration request subsides.)
Andrew: Allie, throttle down to 33%. Mike, regen at 10A.
Allie: Now I'm having a very easy time.
Mike: And I get to recharge my batteries for next time.

(The acceleration request subsides completely.)
Andrew: Mike, continue regen. Allie, you can take a break.
Allie: I finally get a break from all that hard work.

(The brakes come on as the traffic light turns red.)
Andrew: Mike, quickly increase regen to 80A. Allie, you can sleep now.
Mike: That regen feels really good. Nothing like a quick charge.

(After a while, another acceleration request appears as the light turns green.)
Andrew: Mike, start boost at 35A to use up the stored charge. Allie will stay asleep for now.
Mike: I'm sure Allie is liking it.

(Now a downhill stretch appears and the speed increases to 40MPH)
Mike: My MG1 is about to redline. What should I do?
Andrew: It's time to warp stealth. Allie, wake up but all you need to do is watch. Mike, regen at 20A and let gravity do the work.
Allie: I like how Mike is turning my shaft at 950RPM. I don't have to do anything but enjoy the experience.

(The downhill steepens.)
Andrew: The batteries are about to fill up. Time for B mode. Mike, stop regen and spin Allie faster to use up the energy.
Allie: Cool! 2500RPMs without having to do any work!

And there you have it: "Two electric motors and a gasoline engine, forever enmeshed in a deadly struggle for power, each seeking to gain the most while using the fewest precious resources -- their delicate dance constantly choreographed by a consortium of cold, calculating computers -- which in turn are mere slaves to a stream of arbitrary, capricious, and often downright stupid instructions from the loose nut behind the wheel." - Hobbit

Hobbit's techie-rants
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Old 27th November 2009, 12:12 PM   #544
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Engineering humor is when the government bureaucrats replace the engineers at GM...how to make a bad situation awful.
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Old 2nd December 2009, 10:58 AM   #545
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Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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Old 2nd December 2009, 11:07 AM   #546
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TOOLS :-


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer
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Old 2nd December 2009, 03:41 PM   #547
pilli is offline pilli  France
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At a science contest the question is "Design the shortest fence around a given herd of cows".

The engineer designs some sort of convex envelope around the cows, and proves that it is the shortest.

The architect designs a big rubber band around the cows, so that it remains the shortest if the cows move around.

The mathematician draws a fence around his own feet and declares "I'm outside the enclosure".

_

Last edited by pilli; 2nd December 2009 at 03:42 PM. Reason: typos
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Old 2nd December 2009, 04:26 PM   #548
pilli is offline pilli  France
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Engineer's approach:

Given three arbitrary points, there is exactly
one straight line through them, if thick enough.

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Old 2nd December 2009, 06:52 PM   #549
ulrikmm is offline ulrikmm  Denmark
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ingrast View Post
no, he will be hired by microsoft as help writer.

Rodolfo
lol
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Old 13th December 2009, 07:52 AM   #550
Netlist is offline Netlist  Belgium
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A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Reply

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2..0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!
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