loss of my friend frans.

[gootee]

kees52,

I am so sorry about your friend.

I too am 55 years old. My wife died of lung cancer, slowly and horribly, when I was 41 and she was 44, after we had been together 24 hours a day for almost seventeen years, except for one night apart.

It was difficult beyond words. "Overwhelming" does not come anywhere close to describing it. We also had three young children (ages 8, 11, and 12) and I remember thinking that, because of them, I didn't even have the suicide option.

The grief progressed quickly, in worsening stages, from thinking about what I had lost to what she had lost to what the children had lost and and would probably never even be able to realize.

It took seven or eight years, I think, for me to become mostly fully functional again. For a long time, I actually kept the grief going, purposely, because to not do so would have felt like I was letting go of her, which I was unwilling to do.

The thing that eventually helped me the most was remembering to remember that she would want us to try to be happy and thrive, and she would hate to have to think that by dying she had ruined our lives.

I hope that thought might help you and possibly other people you know, sometime.

She also taught me a lot that I can now treasure; mostly by showing me rather than telling me. She taught me how to be a caring, responsible, productive adult human being and partner, and a husband, and a father, and a real friend, and a lover. She tamed and civilized me. She also taught me what unconditional love truly is. She is still with me, in everything that I learned from her, and in the many memories I have of her, which used to be so exquisitely painful but are now mostly comforting sources of joy. I was so very lucky to have had her for as long as I did.

Interestingly, we both actually (almost literally) saw love, in a pure form, after it was separated from everything else, which happened after she got very sick, near the end. After all, there was absolutely no future for us, together, and the past had become totally unimportant, and the present was almost unrecognizable. There was nothing left between us except me taking care of her. All of the onion layers of life had been peeled away and suddenly one day we both saw the perfect brightly-gleaming little gem that was all that remained. It was love. We both saw it floating there, between us, and it felt amazingly good. I was glad that she did get to know and believe, before she died, that she really was truly loved.

Unusually, she was conscious and lucid to the very end. She died looking into my eyes, as we were saying "I love you" over and over. I remember it all as if it happened two minutes ago.

I also remember walking outside, finally, a few hours after that, and turning around to gaze at our house, at about 4:00 AM. It looked cold and dead, as if its soul was gone. It is still that way, to me. But I'm OK. And life is good. Life is too short. But life is good.

Warm regards,

Tom

[woodturner-fran]

Tom,

That is an incredible and moving post.

Nothing more I can say.


Fran

[ashok]

Tom , you've put the whole purpose of life in a beautiful way. It's all about 'unconditional love' and it requires to live together with people and animals and then to LOOSE them to understand what 'unconditional love' is . So if you found it then your purpose in this life is 'almost' over ! It seems to be a cruel way to bring our attention to this , but it IS a very practical way to make us see and understand what it means.
What is NOT cruel about it is to realise that life does continue on AFTER you leave your body ! So in a way your are now 'almost' ready to continue into the next world / life / realm / dimension...whatever you want to call it. The best part is that EVERYONE you love and cherish will be back again with you. Isn't it reassuring to know that all that you did here after all was worth it ?
They do say that those that you love come to greet you as you are dying , to help you 'crossover' to ....where ever it is !
I've seen and heard some dying relations talking to other relations who have been dead for a long time but who they loved very much. This usually happened just before they died.
My nephew died last month of cancer of the stomach. He was just over 40. For two days before he died he used to sometimes have a conversation with his grandmother who had died a long time ago. When his mom asked him if he could see his grandmother he smiled. He was generally too weak to talk ! The last night with GREAT effort he managed to tell his mom and aunts who were by his side that he was going to die and that he loved them all very much. A few hours later he was dead !

Have a look at this web site and it's archives
Friday Afterlife Report April 27th 2012 You should find it very interesting and reassuring !
Cheers.

[aptquark]

Originally Posted by gootee

kees52,


It took seven or eight years, I think, for me to become mostly fully functional again. For a long time, I actually kept the grief going, purposely, because to not do so would have felt like I was letting go of her, which I was unwilling to do.

The thing that eventually helped me the most was remembering to remember that she would want us to try to be happy and thrive, and she would hate to have to think that by dying she had ruined our lives.


Tom

I felt the same way after my dad's passing. After this realization/rationalization I moved one alot quicker than I thought I could. There comes a point where you realize you're doing no one any good, especially yourself

[picowallspeaker]

I lost a friend , three or four years ago ... I think he committed suicide
His name was Salvatore , he played some guitar , we used to listen to music
together , as he had a room full of vinyls , mostly blues , jazz , fusion .
He was very funny ( he was from Naples ) but also a little frightened by his situation ; he was living with a little social aid , and money was never enough . But he was that kind of man that could not even cook an egg ! Or clean the kitchen ...Being fat and short , without teeth, didn't help for his self-esteem !
Oh , Salvatore ! I think that it was the last time I've cried . It was so sad .
We had a good time together , drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.
Selling that Thorens TD 124 for 200 € that he found for 20 € ( also with the SME arm !) and so on...and on. I only have an LP he gave me .
I put on the turntable last autumn : it said that it was recorded exactly 50 years before , in NY ...The big fat Whale . How did he knew that I loved Oscar Peterson?

[aptquark]

Thats why I think we should not judge others. No one knows what others feel, or the confusion soemone may face. We are very complicated beings...and live very complicated lives. Having an open mind helps in more ways than we can imagine.

[KBK]

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

(attributed to Plato)

[kees52]

You guys, what a beaufitull story,s, I hope indeed that Frans is with his wife, what there is after this live nobody nows, even scientists don,t have discover it yet, but I an happy that she are allowed now to do research, the church has forbid that for censuries.

But I do miss him, the biggest pain is in the fysical world, for the people stay behind.

So to forget I am a lot busy with designing, because Siegfried a scientist I now states that thinking is the umans most devistating way of living, just do, here and now.

And Gootee I,m so sorry about your wife, same with Diny the wife of frans, there was nothing left anymore of her body when Diny died, I was myself so happy that the suffering at last did end, and fear was over.

For me another friend was lost, I have lost now in 4 years 3 friends.

thanks all.

[evette]

May God give you the strenght to carry on. Regards Evette

[kees52]

I just get a sms from family of Sanne, this girl I had a relation with in winter 2011, she also died, couse hart arrest because of lungemboly, she was 45 years old.

I had not so deep friendship because I did not now here so long but it is terrable to die so soon.

It seems the hart arrests are a epidemic, in football and swimming there are 4 deaths already this year.

Buw we have to go on, we don,t live forever, but I don,t believe death is the end of all, I have a friend who makes movies, I can live with his explanation.

:: Staya Erusa ::

And thanks Evette for your thoughts for me.

kees