Database hung, and our useless managed server company restarted Apache but not MySQL, leaving the site with a "database unavailable" message on the front page until I woke up and was notified about the issue. They have promised multiple times to deal with this scenario properly, but failed to. I will yet again try to find a way to have them deal with this scenario.
The source of their failure has been identified (The pertinent server notes for this case were "below the fold"), and hopefully next time this happens the issue will be resolved swiftly. Sorry for the downtime. Still looking to do a total hardware/software upgrade in a few months!
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