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johngalt47 13th February 2008 12:32 AM

Hilarious joke
 
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed
By the size of it.

The first hunter says Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?

The second hunter says I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.

The first hunter says There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.

While t hey are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. Say there, says the farmer, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?

The first hunter says Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes
Doin about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!

And the old farmer said Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!

Ed LaFontaine 13th February 2008 01:10 AM

That deserves another
 
Only a person in Kentucky could think of this. From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in London , Kentucky after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off -- it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

DcibeL 13th February 2008 02:35 AM

Both those jokes are bad, and so is this one ;)

An ASCII character walks into a bar and orders a double.
"Having a bad day?" asks the barman.
"Yeah, I have a parity error," replies the ASCII character.
The barman says, "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

I_Forgot 13th February 2008 11:22 AM

Two atoms are walking down the street. One turns and says to the other "uh-oh, I lost an electron!".
His buddy says "are you sure?"
The first atom replies "I'm positive!"

phase_accurate 13th February 2008 12:04 PM

Talking of hunters.

Two buddies were hunting in the forest. Suddenly one of them collapsed.
The other one took out his mobile phone in despair and made an emergency call.
Hunter: " My buddy just died of a heart attack - in the middle of nowhere !"
Operator: "Calm down mate ! First of all we have to be sure if he's dead at all"
A few seconds of silence and then shot could be heard through the phone line.
Hunter: "OK and now ....?"

Regards

Charles

star882 13th February 2008 08:01 PM

Here's one from a friend of mine:
Quote:

Mike and Hannah were walking on the beach one day when they found a lamp with the Windows logo on it. Mike picked it up, rubbed it, and out came a genie.

The genie said, "Hi. I'm the Microsoft Genie. You both get a total of three wishes, under the following conditions: All my calculations are done in signed 32 bit integers, I will try my hardest to fulfill your wishes, and Melinda and Bill Gates gets one more of whatever you ask for."

Mike said to Hannah, "I know how to outsmart this genie. I'll show you. The magic number is 2,147,483,647."

Mike then said to the genie: "I wish Hannah and I each had $2,147,483,647."

Instantly, exactly $2,147,483,647 appears in each of their bank accounts. Now the Gates are $2,147,483,648 in debt.

Mike continued with, "I wish Hannah and I were forever 2,147,483,647 times prettier than Miss USA."

Instantly, they became the prettiest couple in the world. Now the Gates are as ugly as devils.

Hannah then said, "I wish Mike and I would live for 2,147,483,647 more years."

Instantly, the Gates drop dead as the genie disappears.

Mike kissed Hannah and said, "Wow! That's a good one! I love you!"

Hannah asked Mike, "So exactly how did it work? Why did the Gates get opposite of what we got and not one more?"

Mike explained, "2,147,483,647 is the biggest number a signed 32 bit integer can hold. When the genie added one, it wrapped to -2,147,483,648. I just exploited a limitation of signed integers."

peace brainerd 14th February 2008 01:50 AM

The setup of the first joke reminded me of Douglas Adam's whale.

Book One of a Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Part way into chapter 18. Against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence in the barren vacuum of space.

....and since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms with not being a whale any more. This is a complete record of its thoughts from the moment it began its life till the moment it ended it. Ah!.. What's happening? it thought. Er, excuse me, who am I? Hello? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Calm down, get a grip now... oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It's a sort of... yawning, tingling sensation in my... my... well I suppose I'd better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the world, so let's call it my stomach. Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what's about this whistling roaring sound going past what I'm suddenly going to call my head? Perhaps I can call that... wind! Is that a good name? It'll do... perhaps I can find a better name for it later when I've found out what it's for. It must be something very important because there certainly seems to be a hell of a lot of it. Hey! What's this thing? This... let's call it a tail - yeah, tail. Hey! I can can really thrash it about pretty good can't I? Wow! Wow! That feels great! Doesn't seem to achieve very much but I'll probably find out what it's for later on. Now - have I built up any coherent picture of things yet? No. Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with anticipation... Or is it the wind? There really is a lot of that now isn't it? And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round......... I wonder if it will be friends with me?

A few chapters later in the book the main characters find themselves wandering the surface of an (some random) alien planet.

....she was relieved when a second or so later they caught sight of Zaphod standing on top of the ridge of ground and waving to them to come and join him. He seemed to be excited, but they couldn't clearly hear what he was saying because of the thinnish atmosphere and the wind. As they approached the ridge of higher ground they became aware that it seemed to be circular - a crater about a hundred and fifty yards wide. Round the outside of the crater the sloping ground was spattered with black and red lumps. They stopped and looked at a piece. It was wet. It was rubbery. With horror they suddenly realized that it was fresh whalemeat. At the top of the crater's lip they met Zaphod. - Look, - he said, pointing into the crater. In the centre lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale that hadn't lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot. The silence was only disturbed by the slight involuntary spasms of Trillian's throat. - I suppose there's no point in trying to bury it? - murmured Arthur.


"....I wonder if it will be friends with me?"

I love it

john65b 14th February 2008 03:28 AM

1.) So what did Mick Jagger say when he found Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver?

HEY, HEY, HUGH, HUGH, GET OFF OF MCCLOUD!



2.) Have you heard of the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.



3.) What's the difference between an old Italian woman and a catfish?

One stinks and has whiskers and the other is a fish.



4.) Why don't women in Wisconsin get Mad Cow disease?

Because they are pigs

(sorry)



5.) How many Psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.



6.) Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

They don't like any witnesses.


Someone stop me.

poynton 14th February 2008 11:17 AM

This MUST be a joke !!
 
2 Attachment(s)
I found this while Googling for an old part.


So now we know where all the fakes come from!
Andy

PS Google search words were obsolete transistors in google.co.uk


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